MoocherChiken
10-07-2003, 02:23 AM
REAL STUPID 911 CALLS
Gleaned from Leland Gregory's
What's the Number for 911 Again?
-----------------------------------------------
Never underestimate human stupidity.
A 28-year-old guy called 911 threatening
suicide. His method? He swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills, prescribed for a heart
condition, and repeatedly slammed himself
into the wall, trying to make himself explode.
Another guy called 911 with a most peculiar
feeling. "I went out to dinner and brought
home my leftover pizza," he told the dispatcher.
"But I left it in the car, and this morning it
was soggy, It tasted kind of funny, so I went
back out to the car and noticed that the
antifreeze had spilled onto my pizza.
Is that dangerous?"
To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex
might seem like an emergency. Folks have called
911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is
"squeaking too damn loud." And another caller
complained, "There is a snow sculpture outside
my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain
male parts we all find obscene."
One should remember that calling 911 is
sometimes a public service, done for the
benefit of others. One elderly male caller
reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard
work in one of thong bikinis." "Sir," said an
exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number.
What do you expect the police to do about a woman
in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "Just
thought you fellows would like to know."
One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the
swimming pool while seeking sexual pleasure
from the vacuum intake line. That suction
turned out to be a little too strong. A security guard
called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the
dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in
the pump line He's been in there for three
hours It's got to be shriveled up like hell."
The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk.
You can't keep laughing." Gregory calls
this passage "Free Willy."
------------------------------------------------
Going out with a bang!
------------------------------------------------
A man once counseled his son that if he
wanted to live a long life, the secret was
to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes
every morning. The son did this religiously,
and lived to the age of 93. When he died, he
left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in
the wall of the crematorium.
------------------------------------------------
Food For Thought
------------------------------------------------
Why do people point to their wrist when
asking for the time, but not to their crotch
when they ask where the toilet is?
Gleaned from Leland Gregory's
What's the Number for 911 Again?
-----------------------------------------------
Never underestimate human stupidity.
A 28-year-old guy called 911 threatening
suicide. His method? He swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills, prescribed for a heart
condition, and repeatedly slammed himself
into the wall, trying to make himself explode.
Another guy called 911 with a most peculiar
feeling. "I went out to dinner and brought
home my leftover pizza," he told the dispatcher.
"But I left it in the car, and this morning it
was soggy, It tasted kind of funny, so I went
back out to the car and noticed that the
antifreeze had spilled onto my pizza.
Is that dangerous?"
To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex
might seem like an emergency. Folks have called
911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is
"squeaking too damn loud." And another caller
complained, "There is a snow sculpture outside
my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain
male parts we all find obscene."
One should remember that calling 911 is
sometimes a public service, done for the
benefit of others. One elderly male caller
reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard
work in one of thong bikinis." "Sir," said an
exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number.
What do you expect the police to do about a woman
in a thong bikini?" "Nothing," the guy said, "Just
thought you fellows would like to know."
One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the
swimming pool while seeking sexual pleasure
from the vacuum intake line. That suction
turned out to be a little too strong. A security guard
called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the
dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in
the pump line He's been in there for three
hours It's got to be shriveled up like hell."
The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk.
You can't keep laughing." Gregory calls
this passage "Free Willy."
------------------------------------------------
Going out with a bang!
------------------------------------------------
A man once counseled his son that if he
wanted to live a long life, the secret was
to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes
every morning. The son did this religiously,
and lived to the age of 93. When he died, he
left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in
the wall of the crematorium.
------------------------------------------------
Food For Thought
------------------------------------------------
Why do people point to their wrist when
asking for the time, but not to their crotch
when they ask where the toilet is?