MoocherChiken
10-07-2003, 02:09 AM
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will
just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying f_ _ _whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to
an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We
don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If
someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone
Mountain (for those of you who don't know, this is in Georgia) and complain
about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent.(Just don't!) This will incite a riot, and
you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your
ass!
to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will
just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying f_ _ _whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to
an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We
don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If
someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone
Mountain (for those of you who don't know, this is in Georgia) and complain
about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent.(Just don't!) This will incite a riot, and
you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your
ass!