ViperChiken
01-31-2004, 03:37 AM
Dear Bastard:
What can I say? You are a total inspiration to me, man. The other day I decided to miss my weekly hour of supervised learning from nurse Gladys in exchange for spending the time reading some of the insane banter which appears on this ass-infested, soon-to-be-found-and-closed-down-site. My eyes started to hurt after about 3 hours (I'm a slow reader) but the doctors said extra doses of Prozac would soon have that cured. And just yesterday I called my friend, Zack, a sheep molesting donkey penis! It felt good. I mean Zack doesn't talk much so its nice to have a good topic of conversation. His room is on the other wing of the asylum so I don't see him that often.
Anyway I have tons of problems I wanted to share with someone and you seem like just the right sort of person to share them with. You don't take any shit. You get straight to the point, straight to the issue and I respect that. Well, where to start? First of all I wanted to know if it was wrong to find cabbages arousing. Do you know if they're some kind of aphrodisiac?
Also there's the issue of cleanliness. The cleaners hardly ever take the time to clean my room. They never seem to clean anyone's room actually. Almost 7 months ago my room mate had a small fit and started jumping around on my bed. I thought "Oh well, it happens" but then he dropped his trousers and proceeded in taking the liberty of shitting on my bed. Soiling, to an indescribable extent my sheets and mattress. 7 months and still it hasn't been cleaned off. I tried to lobby a complaint to nurse Gladys but she said "Get over it. At least you don't have the thankless job of having to look after over 200 psychopathically depressed lunatics with problems ranging from never getting over losing their guinea pig to 'accidentally' severing their dads neck with a chainsaw." I tried to explain to her that Flavio never meant for that to happen and that the chainsaw wasn't on until his dad grabbed at it shouting for Flavio to put it down. But she then begin ringing the bell and shouting "Lunch is up. Get it before it reaches room temperature!"
Bastard, nobody respects me. No one will clean my mattress so I ask you 2 questions. Firstly. Do I need to be more assertive? No one listens to my points. Is the problem all with confidence? My second question to you is how do you clean a sound proof room without a dustpan and brush, a broom or an air freshener? And fourthly, my final question: I once saw on a TV screen that every jail has a weak brick or something you can break out through in case a member of staff ever gets trapped in with the cellmates and has lost his or her stun gun. Is this true? Is there really a way out of my prison of the body and mind? Is there, sociopath? Is there?
By the way if you think your uncunning insults have any affect on me I can assure you they do not. I went over this with my "doctor" and have developed a method of breathing that allows for me to evade the insultingness in such foul words as "ass-reamer" and "Welshman". Please respond, sociopath. If you fail me I may end up on Trisha debating how killing someone with a lawnmower before 6a.m. should be legalised.
The Great Lama Tomalini
==========================
The Great Lama Tomalini, sufferer of shitzophrenia (a shit-talking personality disorder) and cerebral kaput syndrome:
That was funny - like laughing at an arthritic geriatric trying to twist open the lid on her cardiac pills during a seizure. Didn't anyone inform you that the purpose of language is to articulate meaning, and not just to convey a general sense of nervous distress? Firstly, cabbages don't have any aphrodisiac properties: not even if Michelle Pfeiffer was photographed sitting seductively on one. Clearly, you have a deeply dysfunctional vegetable fetish, and some form of aversion therapy seems appropriate. Perhaps, the next time you feel aroused by a cabbage, you should think of George W. Bush's wife, Laura, sitting on George's face doing a boogie shuffle and wearing nothing but presidential nipple tassels and a smug grin? Secondly, it is apparent that your multitude of nefarious maladies are the result of a lesion on the ventromedical frontal cortex, resulting from the traumatic injury on your frontal lobe during your ill-fated attempt to skullfuck yourself with a dildo attached to the end of a jackhammer. However, I understand that you are Welsh, and this fact may also help explain many of your mental abnormalities and sexual deviations. Do you know that 60% of Welshmen appeared to have frontal lobe abnormalities when tested by PET (positron emission tomography)? The other 40% appeared not to have a frontal lobe. Functional images of the brain show the left side of a Welshman's brain lights up like the fairy lights on a Christmas tree when shown an image of an anus. Similar effects where seen when shown images of testicles, sheep, jockstraps, and Prince William. However, truly starting Technicolor displays of Aurora Borealis proportions where seen when they were shown an animated gif image of an anus in mid-pucker. Conversely, a flat line, lights-out image resulted when a Welshman was shown a picture of female breasts and a vagina. Welshmen boast about the amount of sheep they've had intimate carnal relations with. But, of course, sex with sheep is normal in Wales. It's only when you start giving them head, dressing them in silk suspenders, and doing 69 that it becomes kinky, right? So, while you are doubtless disturbed, much of your disturbance is perfectly normal for your nationality, and you need not be unduly alarmed by it. If you develop a penchant for playing naked twister with barnyard animals, or make frequent suicide attempts and always explain them bizarrely, such as "I want to die and be reincarnated as Mr T's thong", then I suggest that you should be duly alarmed.
I hope this helps,
Bastard
What can I say? You are a total inspiration to me, man. The other day I decided to miss my weekly hour of supervised learning from nurse Gladys in exchange for spending the time reading some of the insane banter which appears on this ass-infested, soon-to-be-found-and-closed-down-site. My eyes started to hurt after about 3 hours (I'm a slow reader) but the doctors said extra doses of Prozac would soon have that cured. And just yesterday I called my friend, Zack, a sheep molesting donkey penis! It felt good. I mean Zack doesn't talk much so its nice to have a good topic of conversation. His room is on the other wing of the asylum so I don't see him that often.
Anyway I have tons of problems I wanted to share with someone and you seem like just the right sort of person to share them with. You don't take any shit. You get straight to the point, straight to the issue and I respect that. Well, where to start? First of all I wanted to know if it was wrong to find cabbages arousing. Do you know if they're some kind of aphrodisiac?
Also there's the issue of cleanliness. The cleaners hardly ever take the time to clean my room. They never seem to clean anyone's room actually. Almost 7 months ago my room mate had a small fit and started jumping around on my bed. I thought "Oh well, it happens" but then he dropped his trousers and proceeded in taking the liberty of shitting on my bed. Soiling, to an indescribable extent my sheets and mattress. 7 months and still it hasn't been cleaned off. I tried to lobby a complaint to nurse Gladys but she said "Get over it. At least you don't have the thankless job of having to look after over 200 psychopathically depressed lunatics with problems ranging from never getting over losing their guinea pig to 'accidentally' severing their dads neck with a chainsaw." I tried to explain to her that Flavio never meant for that to happen and that the chainsaw wasn't on until his dad grabbed at it shouting for Flavio to put it down. But she then begin ringing the bell and shouting "Lunch is up. Get it before it reaches room temperature!"
Bastard, nobody respects me. No one will clean my mattress so I ask you 2 questions. Firstly. Do I need to be more assertive? No one listens to my points. Is the problem all with confidence? My second question to you is how do you clean a sound proof room without a dustpan and brush, a broom or an air freshener? And fourthly, my final question: I once saw on a TV screen that every jail has a weak brick or something you can break out through in case a member of staff ever gets trapped in with the cellmates and has lost his or her stun gun. Is this true? Is there really a way out of my prison of the body and mind? Is there, sociopath? Is there?
By the way if you think your uncunning insults have any affect on me I can assure you they do not. I went over this with my "doctor" and have developed a method of breathing that allows for me to evade the insultingness in such foul words as "ass-reamer" and "Welshman". Please respond, sociopath. If you fail me I may end up on Trisha debating how killing someone with a lawnmower before 6a.m. should be legalised.
The Great Lama Tomalini
==========================
The Great Lama Tomalini, sufferer of shitzophrenia (a shit-talking personality disorder) and cerebral kaput syndrome:
That was funny - like laughing at an arthritic geriatric trying to twist open the lid on her cardiac pills during a seizure. Didn't anyone inform you that the purpose of language is to articulate meaning, and not just to convey a general sense of nervous distress? Firstly, cabbages don't have any aphrodisiac properties: not even if Michelle Pfeiffer was photographed sitting seductively on one. Clearly, you have a deeply dysfunctional vegetable fetish, and some form of aversion therapy seems appropriate. Perhaps, the next time you feel aroused by a cabbage, you should think of George W. Bush's wife, Laura, sitting on George's face doing a boogie shuffle and wearing nothing but presidential nipple tassels and a smug grin? Secondly, it is apparent that your multitude of nefarious maladies are the result of a lesion on the ventromedical frontal cortex, resulting from the traumatic injury on your frontal lobe during your ill-fated attempt to skullfuck yourself with a dildo attached to the end of a jackhammer. However, I understand that you are Welsh, and this fact may also help explain many of your mental abnormalities and sexual deviations. Do you know that 60% of Welshmen appeared to have frontal lobe abnormalities when tested by PET (positron emission tomography)? The other 40% appeared not to have a frontal lobe. Functional images of the brain show the left side of a Welshman's brain lights up like the fairy lights on a Christmas tree when shown an image of an anus. Similar effects where seen when shown images of testicles, sheep, jockstraps, and Prince William. However, truly starting Technicolor displays of Aurora Borealis proportions where seen when they were shown an animated gif image of an anus in mid-pucker. Conversely, a flat line, lights-out image resulted when a Welshman was shown a picture of female breasts and a vagina. Welshmen boast about the amount of sheep they've had intimate carnal relations with. But, of course, sex with sheep is normal in Wales. It's only when you start giving them head, dressing them in silk suspenders, and doing 69 that it becomes kinky, right? So, while you are doubtless disturbed, much of your disturbance is perfectly normal for your nationality, and you need not be unduly alarmed by it. If you develop a penchant for playing naked twister with barnyard animals, or make frequent suicide attempts and always explain them bizarrely, such as "I want to die and be reincarnated as Mr T's thong", then I suggest that you should be duly alarmed.
I hope this helps,
Bastard